How to Pun Yourself a Girlfriend
by antomec
Summary: In which Bickslow tries to find the owner of an elusive snort. High school AU, oneshot. Rated T for swearing.


_Hello_ _again, everybody! It's true what they s_ _a_ _y_ – reviews _are the w_ _ay to_ _a writer's he_ _art. I hope you enjoy this fic!_

* * *

"No, seriously, how do astronauts throw a party?" Bickslow asked, grinning wildly.

"I swear Bicks, I will punch you so hard-"

"They planet!" Bickslow yelled.

Laxus did not delay – he punched Bickslow so quickly, he didn't even have time to blink. Though he got punched in the arm, it didn't hurt any less.

"See, I told you, you're gonna get hurt one of these days," Evergreen quipped from Laxus' side.

Bickslow however, did not hear her, because he was busy scanning the crowd for something he thought he'd heard.

Evergreen hit the side of his head with her paper fan, screeching, "Look at me when I'm yelling at you, goddamn it-"

Bickslow let the thought dissipate – but for a second there, he could've sworn he heard someone snort at his joke.

* * *

They were at the cafeteria, when Bickslow decided to joke his way into his friends' conversation.

As soon as he opened his mouth, however, Freed raised his hand, and said solemnly, "Don't even think about it."

"Aw, come on, Freed, you know you like it," Bickslow whined.

"No, Bickslow. Frankly, your horrible comedy is a waste of time." Freed was always savage with his words when he delivered them.

"You know what else a waste of time is?" Bickslow waggled his eyebrows wickedly. "A belt made of wristwatches, that's what."

Yes, this time he was sure of it, someone behind him was laughing their ass off. And at the exact moment his punch line was delivered?

Oh, glory be – someone actually _liked_ his horrible puns.

But before he could turn around and look at who his potential audience was, a hand came flying out of nowhere and slapped him upside the head.

"Ow, Evergreen! Why the fuck would you do that?" Bickslow cried.

"Because you're ridiculous, that's why," she explained, the school bell going off to underline her words. It was time to get back to class.

And with that bell, went the chance to find his mysterious admirer.

* * *

"You're off your fucking rocker," Laxus replied. "No one thinks you're funny."

"Ouch," said Bickslow, clutching his heart, "Way to destroy a guy's soul."

"You have no soul."

"Aw, thank you, Laxus-baby," Bickslow crooned.

Laxus levelled him with a glare. They were on their way to sixth period English when Bickslow started his crazy theory on someone laughing at all his stupid jokes.

"I'm telling you, there really is-"

"Bickslow, will you just shut up and take a seat?"

"Fine, but you know what? I will find this dude. I will find him and we'll both come to your house in the middle of your night and perform a joke-off in your bedroom." Bickslow seated himself at the back of the room, Laxus occupying the seat next to him.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Laxus asked incredulously. "I live with Makarov, have you forgotten? Dude has a shotgun placed in the kitchen."

"Silence, Mr. Dreyar!" The teacher yelled.

Laxus swore under his breath.

The class was dreary, extremely so, by Bickslow's standards. But then, as his friends would undoubtedly argue, he had no standards. But that would change if he found his admirer.

Bickslow was a man on a mission.

* * *

"You aren't in a novel, Bickslow," Evergreen chastised.

"Do you have a better idea to catch this dude? If not, we'll be going with my crappy idea." Bickslow scribbled something down on a sticky note and stuck it on his locker.

Evergreen studied the note and said quietly, "I do not have the slightest idea of what you've written down. And I doubt that your mystery person will either."

Sometimes, when Evergreen spoke, she bore an uncanny resemblance to Freed, and it'd always scare Bickslow a little bit. He'd die before he admitted it, though.

"And I don't give a flying fuck. Let's beat it, Ever."

* * *

When Bickslow dragged a protesting Freed down the hallway to his locker, he tried not to hope for a reply. This was actually quite easy, mainly because of Freed.

"Bicks, for all you know, you may not have an admirer – it might have been some random person laughing with their friends. Are you this _desperate_ for company?"

Bickslow gasped. "Freed, there's another sticky note."

And true to his words, there was another note attached. Bickslow tore it from the locker wall and read it silently. Then, strangely enough, he pinched the bridge of his nose and handed the note to Freed.

 _Yes, I exist. And I do understand your jokes._

"They're real?" Freed asked, mildly disgusted, for who could ever share such a fucked up sense of humour with _Bickslow_?

"Yes! I knew it! Laxus better unload that shotgun, 'cause here I come!"

Freed simply chuckled at his friend's behaviour.

* * *

When Bickslow told Laxus and Evergreen of his new plan, they simply shook their heads.

"Honestly," Evergreen commented dryly, "I'm surprised that whoever it was could actually read your note."

"See, this is why I never include you in my plans. Why can't y'all just be like Freed, and accept my plans?"

At that, both Evergreen and Laxus swivelled their heads simultaneously to glare at Freed. Freed put up his hands with a sheepish look. "I figured it was better to just play along."

Laxus scratched the back of his head. "I suppose if it'll get you off my back, then-"

"Fine," Evergreen interrupted. "But only if you stop it with your stupid-ass jokes."

"Done. Once I find this dude, I won't ever bother you."

* * *

They were on their way to the cafeteria, when Bickslow started bobbing excitedly and chattering like a fool. "Do you guys remember the plan? Laxus, no punching; Evergreen, no yelling; Freed, just stay your usual stoic self."

They seated themselves at their usual place, and Bickslow sneaked a glance around him. There didn't seem to be anyone out of place near them.

But then again, they were high-schoolers.

Bickslow clapped his hands together. "Alright team! Execute phase one!"

"Can I just tear him apart already?" Laxus asked.

"Freed, my dear boy," Bickslow started.

"Oh dear god, no," Freed complained.

"Do you know why cranes always stand with one leg up?"

Freed took a deep breath and answered, "Hit me."

"Because they can't stand with two legs up!"

There!

Amidst Freed's groans and Evergreen's tears, was a snort. A _noisy_ snort.

Bickslow whipped around and pointed at the boy directly behind him. "You!" Bickslow accused.

The boy he was pointing at had odd pink hair, and he started out of shock. "What'd I do this time?" He sighed.

"You snorted!" Bickslow announced triumphantly.

"Yeah, that wasn't me. Try again," the boy told him and turned around, collected his tray, and walked out with his friends, leaving behind a very dumbfounded Bickslow.

* * *

"I don't know what happened, Freed. I was so sure it was him. I'm never going to find this person, am I?" Bickslow slung his bag over one shoulder dejectedly.

"In all probability," Freed paused, pretending to think about it, "No."

Bickslow sighed deeply, and ambled his way over to his locker. Something bright blue stopped him in his tracks.

"Freed, is that what I think it is?" Bickslow asked meekly, pointing at the offending piece of paper.

 _Are you trying to find me?_

Freed plucked it and read the words. Then he held the sticky note to his nose and sniffed it.

"Freed, what the hell are you-"

"It's a girl. I'm very sure of it. Judging by her handwriting, and her choice of perfume, I suspect that we are dealing with a female."

Freed's style of language was always peculiar, but Bickslow decided to address the bigger issue. "What in fuck's name do you mean by ' _choice of perfume_ ', Freed?"

"Oh, one of my ex-girlfriends used to wear it. I am very well acquainted with it."

"I really hope it isn't your ex-girlfriend."

"As do I, Bickslow, as do I."

* * *

"Look, all you have to do is write a note to her and tell her to meet you," Evergreen said. "She'll most likely be a nerd anyway, so use references to something you like, and ask her out."

"A-Ask her out?" Bickslow exclaimed.

"Yes, ask her out. You have no shame, she likes your sense of humour, and we are free from the travesty known as you."

"Well, when you put it like that-"

"I know what I am talking about, Bickslow!"

Silence fell upon the pair. Until Evergreen decided to break it.

"What do you even have to lose?"

And that, Bickslow realised, was a damn good point.

* * *

" _Yoda Obi-Wan for me. So will you wait by the oak tree in front of the school for me_?" Laxus read out. "Really? This is what you spent the whole of last night working on?"

"Laxus – my man, my buddy. If she's anything like me, _she will love this_."

"After all this blows over, if you ever come near me with another one of your stupid puns, I will punch you into next week." Laxus raised his fist threateningly.

"Threat established. Shutting up, now."

* * *

Bickslow stood by the oak tree alone.

Evergreen had refused to come for moral support, even when Bickslow had begged her. What if things went awry? Then Ever wouldn't be around to swoop in and bust his ass out like the kick-ass lady she was.

 _Maybe I should've begged harder._

He went back to his futile girl-spotting. School was finally over – he had his last period free, so he had left early so that his mystery person wouldn't get the jump on him.

"You may be a bit disappointed – I haven't really seen Star Wars."

Bickslow started. _Looks like she did get the jump on me._

But that voice, that glorious voice – who in fuck's name did it belong to?

Bickslow whirled around.

And by the guy above, Freed was right. It was a _girl._

She had long blonde hair tied into a ponytail, big expressive brown eyes, a shit-eating grin on her face and _really nice legs, goddamn it_.

But the first words out of his mouth were, "You're tiny."

"You're just freakishly tall," she snapped back.

"Who hasn't seen Star Wars? Every nerd and their mother has seen Star Wars."

"Not this nerd!" She shouted, pointing a thumb at herself.

"That's it! We're going out to see Star Wars!" Bickslow yelled.

She was surprised at that. "You don't even know my name."

"You don't know mine either. So we're both on the same page." Bickslow grinned wickedly. "My name is Sir Likes-Star-Wars-a-Lot," he said, and grabbed her hand, shaking it vigorously. "What is yours, miss?"

She laughed –a clear sound that made Bickslow extremely happy – and replied, "Miss Lucy Heartfilia. And there is no way that that is your real name."

Bickslow smirked. "You're right. My name isn't Lucy Heartfilia – it's Bickslow."

"Well then, it is a pleasure to meet you, Sir Bickslow," Lucy curtsied.

"Likewise, Miss Heartfilia."

For a moment, neither of them said anything, choosing to simply grin at each other.

Lucy spoke. "So, about that date."

"Yeah, yeah, I barely know you, plus you don't wanna go out with me. It's okay – I get it." Bickslow grinned sheepishly.

"Actually, I was going to say yes."

Bickslow looked skeptical.

"Well," Lucy added, "Who wouldn't want to go out with a boy who makes them laugh?" She took a step closer. "Besides," she whispered, "You're kinda cute. Especially when you try to be a joker."

Bickslow couldn't stop grinning. He had finally found his mystery person, and she liked him for his idiocy. Though he wasn't completely sure if she wouldn't punch him if he did something stupid.

Bickslow wondered if she'd like to break into Laxus' home for their first date.

* * *

 ** _Fun f_** _ **act:** Much like Lucy, I too h_ _ave never seen St_ _ar W_ _ars. Don't forget to review!_


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